It's been to long

So I have been trying just to put most medical stuff away. Move forward. Test came back positive for Celiac and Barrett's. Have been Gluten Free since May. Really this has been not hard for me at all, just something I gotta do, so I do it.

I waited patiently for the 6 months till I started doing more around the house....paint, decorate, gardening, fishing and golf. Now it's almost 1 year since PFD and I don't think I over do things BUT I must be.

I am scared. Doing daily chores are getting hard. Driving is difficult. Up and down stairs pound in my ear and eye. This past Friday set off a host of old feelings in my head. Thankfully I am sleeping good so I do get recharged.

Saturday night I had one of those Chiari HA's from hell. My eye sight went all hay wire, couldn't make out the remote clearly. It is alot of pressure only on the right side. My eyes zigging back and forth.

I go for my 1 year follow up on Oct 5th. So this should be a good appointment, I hope.

It's not 100% like it was before. Not at all. It's very weird, like I felt so much better right after and for the first 6 months. I think I want steroids again. Might be because I am more active it gets swelled up, don't know but I am gonna ask.

I can't hide from this.........it's here to stay. I have lived in a fantasy world thinking oh ya, it's all good. It is so much better but not good right now.

I do pace myself every day. I still need a 1 hour lay down nap everyday. I plan out projects. I can't do nothing, for my personal spirit I have to do things. I have let go the wants of BIG projects. Shit........................

It's hard to tell many people. I really don't say much about it. Hubby knows when I have a bad day and he insists I rest! Love him for that. I keep thinking positive, the glass is always half full to me. I was in a dark place once and I aint going back.....

BUT, I can't keep my fears bottled up either. So here I am poring it out. don't even know if anyone reads, don't really care. My safe place to say, I am scared..

I have so much to be thankful for. Great husband, wonderful kids, excellent medical care...truly the best doctors. I love my new home. Funny animals. Just the most supportive Mom and Dad. I am thankful so why am I scared???

43 and have a difficult time driving, shopping alone, my spelling is going back down hill. I have never thought of myself as loosing Independence, being married for almost 27 years....the old fashion views I carry. I am not in dependant. Sounds corny.....Dave is my partner in all things so I don't have fears of this. Now if I ever needed help peeing.........that's another story!!

I am scared my brain isn't gonna cooperate with me. The heart and brain are NOT on the same page. One say do this the others says are you crazy. So I am struggling, I want to be fit and in the best physical health I can be. Not a jacked person, just able to handle stairs, hills stuff like that. it's the right thing be in shape. Well my brain says you take one more stair and I am gonna pop your eye out and burst your ear drum......so I ignore. Look at me now!